Dear Ned Ludd,
Sometimes it’s hard for me to take my mind off all the devastation and extinction and fucked-up shit that’s happening to the planet, and I can’t sleep at night because of it. I’m wondering if you could suggest anything productive (or destructive…) that I might be able to do during the small hours instead of just worrying.
Sleepless in Cyberia
The wee hours are the best time to destroy; although if you’re destroying destruction, is it really destroying? Here are some suggestions:
Let’s talk about the engines of tractor trailers used for hauling innocents to slaughter and the lab, pulling the wild from the wilderness, and delivering the ingredients of every destructive endeavor sick, corporate, profit-driven minds can concoct. These trailers move the dozers that level the land and the ships that strip life from the ocean. If anything keeps me awake it is the incessant drone from giant poison-containing, toxin-spewing engines; the heart of the machine.
Engine oil can be contaminated by many things, and the other fluids they contain or run on do not mix well with others… kind of like old-guard EF!ers at a dub step show. Hell, I don’t even need to haul around bleach most nights. (Bleach destroys the viscosity of oil and does some fun, expensive shit, too).
Engine oil hates water, especially when mixed with antifreeze. Water, because it will not compress, breaks gears. Antifreeze may taste like candy, but it does horrible shit to your body— do not ingest! Engine oil also hates fuel, which thins it out and makes the engine wear out and break. If either water or fuel are found in oil then there must be a problem with the engine and it needs to be opened to check.
Cost to repair: Up to $15,000 for a semi; MUCH more for heavy equipment.
Hates antifreeze; it destroys the main components in the transmission and the glue that holds connections together.
Cost to repair: $5,000+ for trucks; HOLY SHIT for heavy equipment.
HATES water, antifreeze, and diesel exhaust fluid (DEF; more on that stuff later). Adding water will break shit internally; DEF clogs small control passages over time.
Cost to repair: $3,000 and up.
Diesel Exhaust Fluid (DEF):
Made of pig urine from the slaughterhouse, this stuff is supposed to help clean the exhaust on trucks. It’s on the tank near the fuel cap, and has a blue lid. It is nasty, and antifreeze thinks so too. This stuff will kill a radiator and clog up the tiny spaces inside an engine fast. Looks like water, and gallon jugs of the stuff can be found in open trucks on construction sites so use your imagination. Causes a lot more damage than rice or dry flake mashed potatoes in the radiator. Do not ingest or get DEF on you…. beyond the fact that it is very refined pig urine, it is poisonous.
Cost to repair: $2,000 to $6,000 for trucks; heavy equipment easily $5,000 to $?!!!!
As above, bad for oil, but also BAD in the diesel exhaust fluid tank. Modern exhaust systems are delicate, so contaminating the DEF tank with fuel will cause extensive damage to the system. Because of this, the newest exhaust sensors are designed to shut down the truck when diesel is found. To extract diesel from a machine, all one would need is a small suction hose, a siphon, and maybe a bottle to catch the fuel in.
SAFETY NOTE!!!! Don’t use your mouth for this!!! Besides leaving evidence, a lot of the chemicals and fluids in an engine will kill your ass.
Cost to repair: $1,000–$10,000 if internal component are damaged.
All this shit is probably a felony. You honestly should just take some drugs to help you sleep and wake up to a brighter warmer day thanks to climate change… although there are probably no prisons on a dead planet.
Have a happy and productive night,
Ned Ludd is a fictional character whose legendary acts of property destruction in the late 18th century inspired folklore that lives on to this day. It thus goes without saying that any advice given by this anarchistic criminal/hero is also fictional.